The following is the satire I wrote for English. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty proud of it. Therefore, I'm posting this here where likely no one will read it. Even so, it's nice to exhibit my own piece of work once in a while. I never get on here anyway, but when i do, I try to make it enjoyable for any reader that happens by.
Ready, Set, Go:
Ok. That’s the last straw. If I have to see one more primped pooch or fancy feline, I might lose it. All those Paris Hilton pet owners, with their custom-made tutus and hoodies for their precious furry friends, aren’t doing the world a bit of good. In fact, they’re just embarrassing themselves, as well as their reluctant pets.
Toss me a bone here: who actually finds those dolled-up animals adorable? Maybe the pets’ masters, but other than that, not a doggone person. The animal ends up looking pathetic, so pathetic in fact that they might screech, “Help! My owner finds enjoyment in dressing me up like Lady Gaga!”
I’ve seen various ridiculous critter wardrobes. There have been the inevitable food themes, like a hot dog. What a clever play on words. Pumpkin pups, Chihuahua tacos, cat burgers, and baked “pug-tatos” have also been known, horrifically, to exist.
I’ve seen pets that look like other pets. Dogs with cat whiskers, bunny ears, and lion manes, cats with bird beaks, fish tails, and dog-ears. There’s even been a dog dyed to imitate a skunk’s fur pattern.
In the end, let us not forget the pets dressed up like humans. Tourist t-shirts, college hoodies, baseball caps, and running shoes have all been manufactured to fit various creatures. Schoolgirls, prisoners, pirates, maids, Hawaiian dancers, cowboys, nuns, teachers, gentlemen, princesses, cheerleaders, devils, angels, superheroes, presidents, and Yodas – they’ve all been pet-i-fied.
The worst of these humanized pets, I’d have to say, are those that embody the actual outward anatomy of a human. These frightening costumes only dress up the pets’ front end while hiding the rear, their front limbs made up to look like humanoid legs and their chests supporting prosthetic, ghostly arms that stick out, flopping lifelessly about. It’s as if the pet owners are actually ashamed of their pet’s genuine natural appearance.
I guess you can’t blame these pitiable people. Maybe they could never get out of their doll playing stage of childhood. Or, maybe, they fervently want children, so their precious pets have to suffer as surrogates. Or even worse, they vehemently dream of a significant other to drag along beside them on display, resorting instead to their pets as a replacement.
Do these fanatical masters even know how humiliated they’re making their pets feel? Probably not since they’re so caught up in selecting and preparing Pookie’s perfect outfit. So, I’ve devised a solution. I propose that we require that in order to display one’s pets in embarrassing costumes, one must also get into some corresponding garb of their own. A Pet Costume Gestapo could be formed to monitor the owners, making sure that every pirate dog is paired with an annoying parrot person and every scientist cat matched with a lab rat human.
In the end, such a plan would hopefully decrease the amount of pet owners dressing their pets up because they’ll be so frightened of the prerequisites that come with such a liberty. They’ll realize the awkwardness of being in their own costumes just isn’t worth it.
I’m sure Congress thinks it has better things to do than develop laws to force pet owners to dress up with their pets, but if the government is really trying to make us all live peacefully, I do think this idea is a reasonable suggestion. Because, honestly, if I do see one more dolled up animal, my bite will be worse than my bark.
Peace Out
~Mana
